Be Your Biggest Fan. Show up for Yourself.
You are the main character of your story.
I grew up without the internet; without social media. I was born in 1976. I’m celebrating my 47th birthday this month. I was in Junior High during the late 80s. That’s a photo of me modeling “a winning Halloween costume” in 1988. I was in the 7th grade. I feel so fucking lucky that I didn’t post a selfie wearing this costume on social media. Thank god I didn’t have to deal with random strangers commenting how I looked like an idiot or that I was ugly or a nerd or whatever hateful shit mean people tell each other for likes and laughs. I already didn’t have much confidence at twelve and thirteen. On my thirteenth birthday, Memorial Day weekend, I had some friends over for a little party. We made a pact that on the first day of school, we would all wear the same outfits. Denim shorts and a black t-shirt. So we could be a crew. The 8th grade girls that Rule the School.
So I showed up on the first day of school and walked to the basketball courts where we were going to meet up. I heard one of friends say, “Here she comes!” And then they all ran away from me. They were all wearing matching outfits, different than what we had decided at my birthday party.
That same day, I asked one of my friends why they did that to me. She was like, “I don’t know. We just did.”
I was Valedictorian and gave a speech at the graduation ceremony. I don’t remember much about what I said but I do remember that feeling of showing up for myself. I did the work. I got the grades. I was chosen to represent our graduating class and I had goals for myself that didn’t involve being liked or popular or wearing the right clothes or being “cool”. I’m not saying I didn’t want all of those things, of course I did. I think it’s next to impossible for teenagers not to care about what their peers think but I just remember feeling like I was in charge of making things happen for myself and that has never gone away. My “friends” were not there encouraging me to get an A on that test or listening to me practice my speech with hearts in their eyes. (My parents and my sisters, and my grandparents did though…you know, the people who *really* love you and are there for you, whomever those people are for you)
I don’t know where I first heard this,
“You can’t give anyone ownership of what is going to happen with you.”
(I made that graphic with a shutter stock image of Mt. Rainier because I see that mountain every day and I’m obsessed with it.)
But it’s true. YOU need to be your biggest fan. YOU need to show up for yourself and with that comes the letting go of expectations for anyone else to take that place. Friends, family, peers, communities, mentors, colleagues, mutuals, “followers”, supporters, critics, these people will disappoint you and fail you on any and all expectations. They will. Believe that. Know that. Trust that. And then tell yourself how much your dreams do not depend on how much other people value you but on how much YOU value YOU. And this is again why I am thankful I grew up without social media. You can do BIG things without thousands of strangers watching, giving their approval, or sharing.
If you have a fire in your belly and if you want something bad enough, it’s on you to go get it and don’t let anything stop you. If you are the main character in your story, everyone else is in a supporting role. Why would anyone else be the main character in your story? And if you’re the protagonist, that means the journey is yours, written by you so decide how you want it to go. Anticipate the setbacks and the curveballs and the let downs and plan for those. Plan A. Plan B. And any other backup plan that involves you running the ball for the endgame. Sure, you will have people along the way that will cheer you on, collaborate with you, believe in you, support you, and help you get there…but ultimately…you’re going to do the heavy lifting to make things happen for you. Take note of who is standing in your corner clapping when you get there and who isn’t. Because that’s important too.
Those “friends” that ditched me on the first day of school, I don’t know them anymore. I’m thankful for them though. They taught me how NOT to be. See what you don’t like in other people and purpose for yourself not to be like that, you can’t change them, but you can change yourself. I have friends who don’t show up for me and that used to bring me down but the older I get, the less fucks I give about that and the more those people teach me how to be a better friend to everyone else. You know like, fuck…that really hurts, I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone like that. It’s all about taking those negative feelings and doing something with them, something actionable like, ugh—that feels shitty…I think I will show up for someone today and turn that negative into a positive. Anyhoo…
Just some Friday Feelings
Sadie
xx
Your story is very familiar to me. I also seem to have a history of friends ditching me and I've never quite worked out what it is about me that make me such an easy target.
At the age of 16, I was on a high school Geography trip away and a bunch of us headed into the town centre one night after the day's work to see if we could get served in a pub. I was sent in first to test the waters, as I have always been fairly young looking. The plan was that if I didn't come back out within a couple of minutes, they'd follow me in. I got served and sat there drinking my pint, thinking "They'll all be here shortly..." I got to the end of my drink and looked at my watch - fifteen minutes. What the hell? I went outside and the street was deserted. I spent the next hour going into all the pubs until I eventually found them all in a big, loud club. all sat on a table together. As they saw me coming, they were all like "Haha! Gotcha!" and I played along: "Oh, yeah. Very funny." and joined in with the fun, but in reality, that was probably the day that my confidence and self esteem died. Kids can be very cruel. I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which means that the pain of being turned down/rejected/humiliated etc can be almost unbearable. I had a physical reaction that night, like I'd been punched in the gut. At the time I thought that was just how it felt when this kind of thing happens - turns out it's not. That wasn't the only example of the same kind of thing happening to me - I'd say I'm used to it now, but it never hurts any less.
I chose a hell of a thing to take an interest in, when being turned down is commonplace!
I'm just a little older than you - that was 1991. It took me a good thirty plus years to get that back. There have been a few knocks and dents to the confidence along the way (like nobody turning up for my slot on the guest readers line-up at a convention - that one still stings a little) but my wife is my biggest defender and makes sure other people know it! She was a guest speaker at a construction industry 3D modelling convention in New Orleans last year and was trying to sell my book rights to a guy she met from Amazon's special effects department! I've also found a good group of writing friends online to share work and ideas with - and who I can trust to tell me if something doesn't work in a constructive manner.
BUT the thing that really keeps me going is the thought that back in 1984 there's a shy, creative 9-year-old kid who loves to read horror comics and nonfiction books about ghost sightings under the duvet at night who would absolutely adore everything I write. He's my biggest fan.
That's the person who I write for first and if it doesn't get his seal of approval, it gets shelved/deleted.
Thanks for your post. I've been having a tough week because of health problems (nothing serious, I found out yesterday, thank goodness) and was feeling terribly down. I've been struggling to finish the final bits of design work for the manuscript for my first novella, which I'm hoping to release next week, and reading this has given me the boost I needed to get the last of the text and illustrations signed off.
Sorry for the essay, but 1984 Paul is very appreciative of the effect your words had on me, so thank you for turning a terrible start to the week into a fantastic ending.
Also, your costume is amazing! Reminds me of Sundel Bolong and Suzzanna: Buried Alive.
Sadie -- I read appreciate this article. I’ve questioned myself all my life as to whether I wanted to be a writer and no one has ever really been in my corner. My friends in middle school took the “book” I was writing and gave it to the guidance counselor-- it was a lot of erotica and needless to say, I was given a stern talking to. It has taken most of my life to get to the point where I am now where I do write and want to learn more and more about writing. This is a great reminder that I need to be there for myself. ❤️